10. The Lion, The Mall, and The Milhouse
“Last Tap Dance in Springfield”, Episode 20, Season 11
Fearful of a week’s worth of poundings from Nelson, Bart and Milhouse decide to ditch their camping trip and hide out in the mall. They attempt to hide from mall security in a vent, which collapses, causing them to plummet into the greatest shop of all–the candy store. Life at the mall is a dream come true–until Chief Wiggum becomes suspicious of the mess that the boys have made. Of course, being Chief Wiggum, he immediately suspects a giant rat, and poses to solve the problem by unleashing a lion. Bart attempts to distract the lion with a ball of yarn, which works, until Milhouse opens his mouth and is promptly mauled. In the end, another ball of yarn saves the day, and Milhouse declares that his(clearly severe) injuries will heal–with the help of some gummi bears.
9. The Simpsons Give the Finger to Their Butterfinger
“Sweets and Sour Marge”, Episode 8, Season 13
After Springfield sets the world record for “World’s Fattest City” (“In your face, Milwaukee!”), Marge decides that sugar is destroying everyone’s health and should therefore be banned. Her crusade is successful, leading to mass candy burnings, including a pile of non-melting Butterfingers that, according to Chief Wiggum, “even the fire doesn’t want”. Bart Simpson’s sponsorship deal was dropped soon after. Bart later apologizes during the chalkboard sequence of the episode “Half-Decent Proposal”, in which he writes: “I will not bite the hand/that feeds me Butterfingers”.
8. Noah’s Ark of Jellies
“I’m Goin’ to Praiseland”, Episode 19, Season 12
Maude Flanders is dead–but her dream for a Christian theme park lives on! Ned Flanders, believer that he is, puts everything he had into building Praiseland, a theme park that turns out to be a total dud. You almost felt bad for Flanders in this episode–Praiseland was even less exciting than Rod and Tod’s “Imagination Christmas”–but the pity stopped, for me anyway, when he introduced the “Noah’s Ark of Jellies”, a ship of jellybeans that held “all the same flavor: plain!” I don’t know much about the candy Heaven, but if there is a Hell, it is filled with plain jelly beans.
7. Mr. Burns and the deadly lollipop
“Who Shot Mr. Burns Pt. 2″ Episode 1 Season 7
Only Mr. Burns would actually stoop so low as to take candy from a baby–in this case, a green lollipop from Miss Maggie Simpson, who responded accordingly by shooting him. In the end, however, Mr. Burns admits that taking candy from a baby isn’t as easy as it seems, stating: “Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.” But the old axiom was misleading: taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult.
6. Chocolate Apu Valentine
“I’m With Cupid” Season 10, Episode 14
Apu makes every man in Springfield look bad with his overblown display of love for Manjula on Valentine’s Day. Marge is particularly impressed with a parrot that Apu has trained to sing “I Love the Nightlife”, but the real prize here is the life-size chocolate Apu that has a special center: Apu himself. Upon seeing her husband emerge, gasping for air, from his candy shell, Manjula declares: “Oh, Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.” Indeed.
5. Homer’s Candy Ball
“The Fat and the Furriest” Season 15, Episode 5
With the help of Marge’s new “Kitchen Carnival”, Homer creates a massive ball of caramel and cotton candy that he keeps by his side at all times. The giant candy ball rides with him in the car pool lane, sleeps next to him in bed, and even naps with him in the hammockâ€”until it gets covered with ants, then birds, then cats, then “Flanderseses”, which leads to a Rod and Todd Sugar-ectomy and an order from Marge to get rid of the thing once and for all. This, naturally, leads to a trip to the dump and a fight with a bear.
4. The Gummi Venus de Milo
“Homer Badman” Season 6, Episode 9
After opening all of the Krusty bar wrappers at the Kwik-E-Mart, Homer finally strikes gold and snags tickets to the Candy Industry Trade Show. The whole family attends, including the new babysitter, graduate school feminist Ashley Grant. Everything is going well until Homer gets a glimpse of a rare gummi Venus de Milo, which he decides he must have for himself. After smashing the glass case that holds the prized Gummi Venus, the Simpsons escape–but the Gummi Venus is lost in the shuffle.
3. Bart and Lisa Choose Candy
“The Regina Monologues” Episode 4, Season 15
The Simpsons hit the UK, and between meeting J.K Rowling, Ian McKellen, and Tony Blair (“I can’t believe we met Mr. Bean!” Homer exclaims), Bart and Lisa decide to sample some local treats. Disregarding a warning from the local shopkeep, Bart and Lisa go off on an all-out UK candy binge. What follows next is a take on the opening sequence of Trainspotting, with Bart and Lisa running like mad through the streets, chocolate smeared on their faces, to Iggy Pop’s “Lust for Life”. The homage culminates with the obligatory shot of Maggie, crawling along the ceiling, as her siblings go through candy withdrawal. Brilliant.
2. “Licorice Whip”
“Simpsons Spin Off Showcase” Episode 24, Season 8
Perhaps the only redeeming element in an episode that is often ranked among the worst of all time is the candy musical montage that appears within “The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour”. Everything about this segment is perfect: the lame songs, the overblown sets, and the character choices: Jasper singing “The Lollipop Song” is the second greatest old-man performance in the history of the show (first place goes to “Old Jewish Man” for his rendition of “Old Grey Mare” in the “Krusty Gets Kancelled” episode), but even he is overshadowed by Waylon Smithers, dressed as a sort of S&M cowboy, singing “Licorice Whip” to the tune of Devo’s “Whip It”. Licorice whips, Devo, and Smithers are now forever connected in my mind. I consider that a Simpsons victory.
1. Homer Visits The Land of Chocolate
“Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk” Season 3, Ep. 11
The greatest candy moment in Simpsons history belongs to Homer Simpson, and his daydream adventure through the Land of Chocolate. It is impossible to watch this segment without feeling happy. Everything about the Land of Chocolate, and Homer’s complete elation in being there, represents all that is good about candy. The absolute joy in Homer’s face as he skips past marshmallow trees, gets caught in a candy downpour, takes a bite out of a barking chocolate dog, and marvels at the half-price candy in the shop window, is as sweet as it is ridiculous.
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