When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of driving a team of sled dogs through the Alaskan wilderness in the Iditarod. Do you remember those commercials?

I bought a Hershey York Peppermint Pattie a few weeks ago and was immediately accosted by my family: “Can I have a piece?” “When can we eat that?” What!? This bit of chocolate bliss has a diameter of about 2.5″ and you want us to split it four ways? Alas, when you’re part of a Candy Addict family, you have to share.

The Peppermint Pattie, as you may know, is a disc of peppermint-flavored sugar covered in a thin layer of chocolate. When I finally got to eat my fourth of the Peppermint Pattie in peace, the strong peppermint flavor filled my mouth. It’s a very refreshing flavor, a “zing” if you will. I personally don’t like those hard peppermints that you find in old ladies’ candy bowls, but York has basically perfected soft peppermint.

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And then there was U-No. This is the fourth and final oddly-named retro bar in my mini-cycle of candy that spiraled out of a dream I thought I had about overhearing a woman speaking to her husband when in New York City. (The other three candies are Oh Henry! Look!, and the 5th Avenue bar.)

Unlike those other three bars, I had U-No as a kid. And I remember liking it. So today we’ll see if I’m transported back to those halcyon days of rare treats, or caught in a transporter with a fly, like Jeff Goldblum, with disastrous consequences. And really, I’m a little worried, because my childhood taste was far from infallible.

Two things I didn’t realize growing up: U-No’s have powdered buttermilk and crushed almonds in them. That might have freaked me out at 8, but it intrigues me now.

So, will I still like this unique candy in the lunar-module, super-shiny wrapper?

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Here we are, with the third in my series of four oddly-named candy bars (that is, the Oh Henry!, Look!, 5th Avenue, and U-No).

In 1936 it seemed a great idea to William Luden (of cough-drop fame) to name a food after a street in New York City. Now, sure, linking your candy bar to arguably the wealthiest bit of real estate in the world might seem to be a good move to give your candy some cachet, but present-day maker Hershey should remember this: it also sets high expectations. (Yes, I know there’s a 5th Avenue in Reading, PA, where this bar was made, but don’t tell me they weren’t trying to associate their bar with the famous Manhattan boulevard.)

When you open this big bar (2 oz, 56g), you immediately smell the peanuts. Hershey’s label describes the bar as “crunchy peanut butter in a rich, chocolately coating.” Notice, they didn’t say a chocolate coating. We know what this means, unfortunately. Yup, it’s mockolate.

Still, maybe this candy tastes good anyway. Is it, for example, better than a Butterfinger?

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With undoubtedly the strangest name in the candy business, Hershey’s Whatchamacallit is a funny little candy bar. It has a base of peanut butter flavored “crispies” topped by a thin layer of soft caramel, and a coating of rich chocolate encapsulates the whole bar.

The Whatchamacallit and I have a very close relationship, as it was first created only a year before I was born. We practically grew up together. I can’t even remember my first taste of one. Right about the time I learned to ride a bike, the Whatchamacallit was given its tasty layer of caramel. I have a feeling poor Whatchamacallit felt a bit naked before that.

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Here’s some advice: don’t try to eat a Valomilk when you’re driving. One bite through that chocolate shell and you’ll have liquid marshmallow dripping down your chin and onto your clothes. I shudder to think how many accidents have been caused by drivers frantically wiping Valomilk filling from their shirts.

For candy fans, the Valomilk, created in 1931 by the Russell Sifers Candy Co., is one of the top treats on the market. If you’ve not experienced the joy of biting into one, I don’t know what to tell you. Well, I’ll tell you this: a Valomilk puts the mass-market Mallo Cup, which it resembles, to shame.

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