I fondly recall candy cigarettes, both the gum and the chocolate versions, but I now wonder if it was some sort of ploy by the cigarette manufacturers to attract future users. Well, no matter! That was then, and this is now, and NOW there are wacky bubble gum cigarettes in interesting flavors from Archie McPhee.

I received four packs to review: Roller Derby (cherry-flavored bubble gum cigarettes), Captain Black’s Pirate (citrus-flavored bubble gum cigarettes), Hobo (campfire coffee bubble gum cigarettes), and El Diablo (cinnamon-flavored bubble gum cigarillos). Each box contains 12 pieces. The boxes, as you can see, sport appealing and quirky designs.

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Very few candies scare me just by hearing the name. I can think of a few though… vomit flavored jellybeans, garlic mints, Hotlix (candy with real bugs in it). I think these Chum Bucket Mints are some of the scariest though.

I’ve had the tin of them for a week or two now but keep finding other things to do rather than try them. But, the time has come and as I sit here writing this, I still have not tried them. The tin says “Chum Flavored Candy,” the ingredients include “artificial seafood flavor” and the smell is telling me to throw them away and don’t try them. “DON’T DO IT, BRIAN!” my brain yells at me. I don’t like most real seafood, so I can’t imagine I will like “artificial seafood flavor” in candy form.

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It’s not easy to find innovation in mints nowadays. How many different round mints in rectangular tins can the market sustain, really? That’s why I was so pleased to stumble on the “Great Bite” product line. They have some of the coolest packaging and product shapes I’ve come across in a while. The tins, the round sour packs, the Tic-Tac-like packs – all have a “bite” taken out of them and so do the candies themselves.

The mint tins are your typical Altoids tin shape and size, but the top left portion of the tin is bitten off. Each mint inside is about the size of a Life Saver (with no hole) and a portion of the mint is bitten off too. This theme continues across the whole product line. The mints (and tins) come in peppermint, spearmint, and orange and all taste great except the peppermint – it has a strong licorice taste to it that even my seven year old daughter picked up on (which isn’t good if you dislike the flavor of licorice). The orange was especially tasty and hits you immediately with a strong orange kick.

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What is this review really about, anyway? Is it even worth writing? Is it even about anything at all? I don’t believe so. For the Nihilist in your life, Archie McPhee offers their flavorless Nihilist mints, 60 pieces of nothing guaranteed to taste like emptiness and the void in your soul.

The packaging is really sweet, it reminds me of a coffin… it’s a sleek little black case that slides out to reveal the pellets of nada within. Do they taste good? Of course not. Do they taste bad? Of course not. They’re flavorless. You didn’t expect Nihilist mints to taste like sunshine and lollipops, did you? They taste like nothing with a side of sugar. Or like the lack of an answer to the question “Why?”, depending on your world view. As Archie McPhee claims: “Nihilists don’t believe in flavor!”

If none of this makes sense to you, here is the definition of Nihilist.

Buy Nihilist Mints online:

• at Stupid.com
• at Archie McPhee

Do you have a Vampire problem? Well, Buffy has been off the air for a few years now, so your next best bet is to pick up some of Archie McPhee’s Vampire Repelling Garlic Mints, a tin of magically disgusting pellets designed to keep Count Dracula and his crew from vanting to suck your blood, bleh!

I’m not going to lie – I was terrified to try the Vampire mints. The garlic smell is ridiculously strong – you can smell it even before you take the plastic shrink wrap off of the very cool-looking metal case that the mints come in. Once the plastic wrap is off – the smell becomes even stronger – not only will it keep a vampire away, but most likely it will keep everyone in your office, your significant other, and the majority of the people in your neighborhood away as well.

The taste is very hard to describe – it’s not quite garlic, and it’s not quite mint. It is, however, quite gross. It’s almost like eating one of those scratch and sniff stickers from the 80′s, or mixing a Pizza Goldfish cracker with a Tic-Tac. Truly revolting.

The concept and the packaging, however, are awesome – the tin has a great design and the mints would make a great gift for Vampire lovers, Vampire-fearers, and anyone who likes a nice, disgusting pizza Goldfish/Tic-Tac combo.

• Garlic Mints at Archie McPhee
• More Archie McPhee products at Candy Addict