Yesterday I heard words I’ve never heard another human being speak. Ever. Not even Andrew Zimmern. “Mmmm, these maggots are delicious!” Maybe Zimmern has said this, but I’ve never made it more than five minutes into his show before changing channels. I’m more of an Anthony Bourdain guy. But I digress.

From the wacky folks at Archie McPhee I got a package containing Commie Mints, Green Buddha Mints, and Gummy Maggots. Of all the hundreds of items they sell, these are probably among the least interesting, i.e., safest.

The tins each contained roughly 100 chalky white mints the size of baby aspirins. Both the Commies and Buddhas had identical ingredients and were so mild that eating less than six at a time elicited very little minty flavor. I’ll keep the tins and maybe fill ‘em with Altoids or Fisherman’s Friend mints.

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Mints have never been at the forefront of my candy addiction. I don’t know if my view is unusual, but I’ve always considered the tiny sugar-tablets more a quick breath-freshener than something tasty and crave-worthy. A flavorful hit in the absence of chocolate or gummies, but not really satisfying in the same way, y’know?

Well, if Archie McPhee has anything to do with it, the conversion of the lowly from afterthought to main event is in short order. From grog to garlic, no flavor is off-limits from the Seattle-based novelty maker. I recently received three tins of mints to review: Cupcake, Mochaccino, and Absinthe. As I’d expect from the company, packaging was kitschy and adorable. But would their taste transcend everyday minty doldrums?

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I am a huge fan of Archie McPhee. My bathroom is decorated with their matching sushi-themed shower curtain, rug, and trash can; I have their band-aids that look like Crime Scene tape, their toy gun that catapults pigs, their little squeaky monk who’s talking on the phone and drinking coffee…. But you’ll notice something all those items have in common: none of them are supposed to be eaten, or even, like this gum, just chewed.

So here’s the thing: I love the concepts of all of these gums just like I love the concepts of their other products. Gumballs that look like meatballs, wasabi gum – this stuff tickles me to death. But, here at Candy Addict, we are about actually eating things. So: are these just joke gifts, or would a person really want to eat them?

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I fondly recall candy cigarettes, both the gum and the chocolate versions, but I now wonder if it was some sort of ploy by the cigarette manufacturers to attract future users. Well, no matter! That was then, and this is now, and NOW there are wacky bubble gum cigarettes in interesting flavors from Archie McPhee.

I received four packs to review: Roller Derby (cherry-flavored bubble gum cigarettes), Captain Black’s Pirate (citrus-flavored bubble gum cigarettes), Hobo (campfire coffee bubble gum cigarettes), and El Diablo (cinnamon-flavored bubble gum cigarillos). Each box contains 12 pieces. The boxes, as you can see, sport appealing and quirky designs.

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Very few candies scare me just by hearing the name. I can think of a few though… vomit flavored jellybeans, garlic mints, Hotlix (candy with real bugs in it). I think these Chum Bucket Mints are some of the scariest though.

I’ve had the tin of them for a week or two now but keep finding other things to do rather than try them. But, the time has come and as I sit here writing this, I still have not tried them. The tin says “Chum Flavored Candy,” the ingredients include “artificial seafood flavor” and the smell is telling me to throw them away and don’t try them. “DON’T DO IT, BRIAN!” my brain yells at me. I don’t like most real seafood, so I can’t imagine I will like “artificial seafood flavor” in candy form.

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