The Earth’s environment is crumbling around us. Actually, it has been for some time. Most of us would like to protect our planet. After all, as wonderful and convenient as the digital world is, most of us would like to introduce our kids to a non-virtual reality.

But without being a scientist, or being independently wealthy, what’s a person to do? Well, you can recycle, but Candy Dynamics has cooked up an alternative that’s far more fun. Now, you can help the Earth by eating toxic waste!

Yes, you read right! Toxic Waste candies are whacked-out novelties with a mission. With each purchase of a Toxic Waste product, a share of the profits are donated to an environmental protection group. The theme is cute, if slightly creepy.

Aside from a heaping helping of sour, I didn’t really know what to expect when a large box from Candy Dynamics arrived at my door last week. I like jelly belly sours, sour gummi belts, and IceBreakers Sours, but I’m not much of a Crybaby fan. Aside from Trident “Sour Strawberry” gum, I didn’t really have any experience with gums in the sour canon. The packing list described the gum as “Hi-Voltage”. I wondered what I was in for.

The box contained miniature drums of sour candy and a pack with 30 sticks of “Hi-Voltage Bubble Gum”. As we had already reviewed Toxic Waste Candy, I was only obligated to taste the gum. Still, with so much candy, and a limited number of sour Candy Addicts in my acquaintance, I could only hope that I’d like everything. I really dislike wasting food, especially candy!

I was immediately impressed with the candy’s theme. The box designs include yellow-and-black caution tape, a mad scientist by the name of “Dr. Sauernoggin,” and a very harried-looking anthropomorphized mushroom cloud. As the bulk packaging is stripped away, the candy’s theme continues.

The Hi-Voltage Bubble Gum, which touts itself as “Nuclear Gum with a Hazardously Sour Center!”, resembles sticks of uranium. Extracting the Blue Raspberry gum from a three-stick package, I lifted it to my mouth. It didn’t appear to be coated with powder. Thank goodness. I gingerly licked the top of the stick. It’s sweet, vaguely fruity taste and rigid texture reminded me of Bazooka Joe. So far, so good.

Throwing caution to the wind, I bit. I let out a yelp. This was like the the coating on Toxic Waste’s hard candies, multiplied by ten. Rather than a dusting of sour powder, this gum had a center of the stuff, a quarter-inch or so in diameter. The acidity was such that I couldn’t tell if the center was sour or salty. This stuff is oral torture… I’m surprised they aren’t using these in Guantanamo Bay. I endured a minute or so of chewing. By the time I dispensed with the blue wad, my teeth hurt.

It’s been two days since my experience with this gum, and I’m still having difficulty chewing my food. Forget caramels or marshmallows – Toxic Waste candy has got to be a dentist’s worst nightmare. I suppose if you’re a super-sour fanatic, or big on pain in general, you might enjoy what Candy Dynamics and “Dr. Sauernoggin” have cooked up. Besides, by stocking up you’ll be providing a valuable service to the environment. It’s a shame that I find these so awful – I really like the idea behind this product line, and love the theme. However, I have no desire to eat Toxic Waste again.

• Toxic Waste Candy Website

Buy Toxic Waste Candy Online:

• at Candy Direct
• at Amazon.com

Yesterday I heard words I’ve never heard another human being speak. Ever. Not even Andrew Zimmern. “Mmmm, these maggots are delicious!” Maybe Zimmern has said this, but I’ve never made it more than five minutes into his show before changing channels. I’m more of an Anthony Bourdain guy. But I digress.

From the wacky folks at Archie McPhee I got a package containing Commie Mints, Green Buddha Mints, and Gummy Maggots. Of all the hundreds of items they sell, these are probably among the least interesting, i.e., safest.

The tins each contained roughly 100 chalky white mints the size of baby aspirins. Both the Commies and Buddhas had identical ingredients and were so mild that eating less than six at a time elicited very little minty flavor. I’ll keep the tins and maybe fill ‘em with Altoids or Fisherman’s Friend mints.

The Gummy Maggots looked very lifelike (larvaelike?), but had a distinct rubbery taste over the green apple flavor. (Better than natural maggot flavor, I guess.) Also, the package depicts a smiling cartoon worm exiting an apple – I’m sure a true depiction of maggots squirming around in rotting garbage or a days-old summertime animal carcass would be too off-putting. These seem to be geared toward goofy kids anyway, along with a few people in my office – they’ll eat anything that sounds gross, and usually enjoy it.

Celebrating their silver anniversary in business, Archie McPhee is the retail segment of wholesalers Accoutrements, known more for their kooky and kitschy toys than candy, although we’ve reviewed plenty of their offbeat candy here before. Still, I wish I’d gotten something more fun than mints and maggots. Perhaps a Cherry Flavored Marie Antoinette Head Lollipop, Gummy Human Heart, Black Lung Lemon Flavored Bubblegum Cigarettes, or Shakesperean Insult Gum would’ve been a bit more “krazy.” And they seem to be obsessed with bacon-flavored candy. Why’d I get no bacon?

Despite the subpar candy – the emphasis here is on novelty, not candy – I can’t help lingering over their “Stupid Products” section: Man, I need some Inflatable Toast!

• Archie McPhee Candy
• More Archie McPhee Products at Candy Addict

I am a huge fan of Archie McPhee. My bathroom is decorated with their matching sushi-themed shower curtain, rug, and trash can; I have their band-aids that look like Crime Scene tape, their toy gun that catapults pigs, their little squeaky monk who’s talking on the phone and drinking coffee…. But you’ll notice something all those items have in common: none of them are supposed to be eaten, or even, like this gum, just chewed.

So here’s the thing: I love the concepts of all of these gums just like I love the concepts of their other products. Gumballs that look like meatballs, wasabi gum – this stuff tickles me to death. But, here at Candy Addict, we are about actually eating things. So: are these just joke gifts, or would a person really want to eat them?

The most promising idea of the three seemed to me to be wasabi. Now, some of you laughed at me for being afraid of Pop Rocks in my Chuao Dark Chocolate Assortment article. But I am not afraid of wasabi. I love the stuff. And despite the unconventionality of this idea, I thought it might be good flavor for a gum. Like, candy can be hot-cinnamon flavored, so why not wasabi?

Well, I’m afraid that we still don’t know the answer to the question of whether that’s a good idea, because unfortunately, this gum didn’t taste much like wasabi. It’s a nice appropriate bright green color, and the first couple of chews have a kind of vague, aromatic hint of something vaguely reminiscent of wasabi. But the flavor pretty much disappears very quickly, and it’s never the least bit hot or spicy.

This was very disappointing, but on the bright side, it made the idea of trying the meatball gum less scary, since one really had to hope that it would taste no more like meatball than the wasabi tasted like wasabi. I mean, yeah, the fine print on the box does say ‘bubble gum flavored’ but, those Archie McPhee guys, they’re a bunch of jokers, you know?

But fortunately, indeed these did not taste like meatballs. It was the appearance that was a little disappointing – they’re not as bumpy as the picture on the website looks. But they are still a pretty good gag gift and, unlike the wasabi, one that you’d actually want to consume. They’re not bubble gum flavored in the way I would expect – not like that pink Bazooka flavor – but they’re sweet and vaguely artificial fruity in a perfectly pleasant way.

Now, after my experience with Bacon Salt over at Snackerrfic, I was not looking forward to the ‘artificial bacon flavor’ in the ingredients of the bacon gumballs. But I clicked around the Archie McPhee website and convinced myself that I should just be thankful I wasn’t trying the Bacon Jelly Beans, since I hate jelly beans. I hate gummies too, but the Gummy Bacon is strawberry flavored… OK, OK. I am just procrastinating. Here goes.

Ooooh no. When you unwrap the plastic you can already smell it. Do you think I could just spill it all on the floor and say I couldn’t review it? No, no, then the dogs would get it. OK….

Oh, this is even weird to look at. It’s a sickly dark pink color. It’s not perfectly round.

Also, it’s in kind of tough shape – the candy coating has come off big spots on a bunch of the pieces and there’s crumbs of it all over the bottom of the tin.

OK. I guess I really have to try it now.

Aw. Oh God. This is horrible. Bacon salt is a work of culinary genius, how did I not realize? It is so much better than this. Ugh. It’s not just artificial bacon, it’s also sweet, and sort of chemically. Aaargh.

I had to spit it out before all the flavor was gone. I even brushed my teeth but I couldn’t get rid of the aftertaste. I don’t have any mints in the house, so now I’m trying a Tums, and the combination of mint with fake chemical bacon is not really an improvement. Oh God. This is truly, truly vile. This is beyond the call of duty.

I had to get a second and third opinion, and people, it really is as bad as I say: Even the pugs didn’t want to eat this. They sniffed like crazy and tried little licks, but didn’t try to take it. Please note: There is nothing these dogs won’t eat, including stuff that’s, like, already been eaten and fully processed, if you get my drift? But they did not want to eat these.

In short: Meatball gumballs: edible. Wasabi gumballs: joke gift. Bacon gumballs: send them to your enemies in a package with no return address.

• Archie McPhee Candy
• More Archie McPhee Products at Candy Addict

I gotta say, these are a bit weird. I love regular Nerds, and these aren’t really anything like them. The outside is a thin, candy shell – sort of like what you get on an M&M, except this shell is bumpy and vaguely grape flavored. I don’t recommend sucking the candy coating off like you can with M&Ms, because the bumps make it uncomfortable. When you bite into it, the shell cracks and dissolves and you’re left with the chewy inside. The flavor starts out as a strongly sweet-tart grape, then fades to a sweeter grape. I liked the sweet-tart grape flavor, but I found the consistency of the chewy part weird and a bit off-putting.

Overall, I’d say I’m two for four with this bag. I’m happy with the Ear Wax and Skulls n’ Bones, on the fence with the Bumpy Warts, and not thrilled with the Fungus Toenails.

• Wonka Website

Buy Wonka Candy Online:

• at Candy Crate
• at Old Time Candy
• at Amazon.com

One of my favorite candies is one you can make yourself. Commonly called Puppy Chow, this concoction – which requires little baking or time – can also be found at Christmas time with names such as Reindeer Food or Kibble. This sweet treat is a Midwest standard at church bazaars, elementary school craft shows and homemade Halloween parties, so you know it’s gotta be good.

Let me tell you from the start that Puppy Chow is some weird-looking stuff. There’s a reason it’s named after pet food. The finished snack is muddy brown with a white chalky-looking coating. But while this treat may not look very appetizing, once you get over its challenging appearance you won’t be able to stop “chowing down.” Kids love it, and can make it themselves with a little help from an adult. Even as kitchen-challenged as I am, I can whip up a batch in a pinch.

So, without further introduction, here is the recipe:

You will need:
One box of Chex Mix cereal (or Crispix, Kix, etc., about 12 cups total)
½ cup peanut butter
One 12-ounce bag of chocolate chips
1 cup powdered sugar
XL zip lock bag (those big ones used for storing sweaters)

Directions:
Pour the cereal into a large zip lock bag. You can also use a super big bowl. Dump the chocolate chips and peanut butter into a saucepan and melt the combination over very low heat. (You can also melt this in a microwave. Just keep an eye on it, and stir frequently.)

Carefully pour the peanut butter/chocolate chip mixture over cereal. Close the bag (don’t forget, or you will make a HUGE mess, trust me…) and shake until the cereal is evenly coated. Open the bag and add powdered sugar. Close the bag (ahem…). Shake it again, until all of the mixture is thoroughly coated with powdered sugar. If you need to add more powdered sugar, feel free. (The more the better, right?)

And… you’re done. Simple, right? Once you’ve made a few batches, you’ll be able to whip up a bag of Puppy Chow in 10 minutes flat.

That first time, though, the odds are good that you’ll see what you’ve created and wonder if you’re supposed to eat it or feed it to Fido. But trust me, it is very hard to resist this snack once you’ve started munching away. If there’s any left, you’ll want to store it in an airtight container to keep it from getting soggy. Puppy chow also makes a great gift for friends you don’t want to spend a lot of money on or those who’ll put just about anything in their mouths as long as someone first tells them it’ll taste good. Just add a note stating that this is for humans only: some dogs can’t stomach chocolate.

If you make some, let us know what you think!

We all have trick-or-treaters we really don’t want to give candy to. You know the ones – thug teenagers who have no business being out trick-or-treating, parents asking for candy for their third child who happens to be 2 weeks old (”Yes, she eats breast milk, formula, and a few Snickers here and there”), and repeat customers who come back because they know you give out the good stuff. So what to do with these ne’er-do-wells? Give them some candy that sucks, of course! And I found the perfect candidate – crunchy tarantulas.

I found crunchy tarantulas at the same time I got the gummy brains from Oriental Trading. I really truly thought they would be good – marshmallow, gummy, and hard candy bits? What could be better? Well, for one, eating a bar of soap. Or possibly chemically treated wood pellets. Seriously. Nasty. Stuff.

The tarantulas themselves consist of a gummy bottom topped by a hard candy shell. (I’m not sure how “hard crunchy center” equates to “hard crunchy shell” but somehow it does.) Inside the candy shell, as you can see from the picture, is a large, moist chocolate marshmallow. Or not. In reality, it’s a minuscule little bloblet of hard marshmallow-type gunk.

As for the flavor… well, it’s not often I spit out candy. I did this time. Quickly. Then I rinsed my mouth. From what I can recall of the short time it was in my mouth, it tasted like some kind of floor cleaner. Allegedly it’s cherry flavored, but since I downright refuse to try it again (no! you can’t make me!) I can’t guarantee that.

These are definitely going straight into our “Bite Me” bag of Halloween treats to give to people who don’t deserve our regular fare of full-size candy bars. “Oh, gee, sorry, we ran out of the good stuff. Here, enjoy this delicious treat instead! And remember us next year!” That’ll teach ‘em.

Buy Crunchy Tarantulas Online:

• at Oriental Trading

When I went to the Swedish Fish Party a few weeks back, I salvaged the evening by buying a few varieties of Halloween candy I hadn’t tried before. Unfortunately, it was so overpriced I didn’t buy very much, and what I did buy got devoured on the subway on the way home. So, I didn’t get a chance to review any of it. Last week, we were ordering stuff from Oriental Trading for Halloween gift bags when I saw the very gummy brains I had bought at Dylan’s Candy Bar and decided this was my chance to give them a proper review!

The brains are multicolored with blues, oranges, whites and pinks on peach backgrounds. They’re not quite globular, but instead are somewhat squashed. The brainy ridges are the only thing that make these actually resemble brains; luckily, their flavor redeems them.

Advertised as being flavored with real fruit juice, these actually do taste rather fruity. The different colors don’t really have different flavors, but instead they all taste alike – a nice, mildly sweet nonspecific fruity flavor. In terms of texture, they’re a bit denser than I like in my gummies, but not jaw-crackingly so.

If you’re looking for a nice, inoffensive candy to add to your candy bowl this Halloween, give these a try. And if you see a zombie coming towards you this Halloween, toss a few of these his way – I’m sure they taste better than real brains (what wouldn’t?).

Buy Gummy Brains Online:

• at Amazon.com
• at Candy Direct
• at Oriental Trading

Gather around the campfire, little Candy Addicts. Did you all bring marshmallows? Of course you did! Now get in close, everyone, because Camp Counselor Laurie’s going to tell you all a spooooky story. It’s the story of Leftovers body-part-shaped gummies.

Did I mention it was spooooky? Because it is. It’s not too late for all of you to go back to your cabins and have a Snickers instead. Nobody’s leaving? Well, OK then, but don’t blame me if you all get nightmares.

There once was a little town. It looked a lot like YOUR town, or maybe YOURS. In this town, there lived a scientist. A very mad scientist. His name was Dr. Frankenstein.

What, you’ve heard this story before? No you haven’t. Be quiet and eat your s’more.

Anyway, on this day, which just so happened to be Halloween, Dr. Frankenstein was working on his monster. He’d been collecting corpses for months, and had just finished picking the very best bits of each one. He was all ready to start assembling his monster, but his lab was so cluttered with all the leftover bits and pieces of corpses that there was no room to work.

Dr. Frankenstein’s activities were eventually discovered, and he was run out of town by a torch-wielding mob. But to commemorate this occasion, we have Leftovers body-part-shaped gummies, so you too can experience the thrill of pulling a severed ear, nose, eyeball or pair of lips from your trick-or-treat bag. AH HAHAHAHA!

Cough, cough. Ahem. What, none of you were scared away? And now you all want to hear about Leftovers gummies? Fine then, you darn kids.

The gummies are individually wrapped for trick-or-treating, and they’re pretty hefty, with some of the bigger pieces as long as your pinky. Most of the pieces (ear, nose, teeth) are made from matte pink gummy with the details in white. (If you’ve ever had those gummy vampire fangs with the pink gums and white teeth, you’ll have a good idea of what they look like.)

The other pieces, the eyeball and lips, are made from solid white gummy with details in red and, in the case of the eyeball, a pupil picked out in black. The eyeball looks pretty good, but the other pieces are a little blobby – the nose and ear have a big blob of superfluous pink in the background, and the color separation between the layers isn’t very good, which is especially obvious with the teeth – a good portion of the pink gums is also white.

The flavor of them is sort of a generic tangy, almost floral fruit flavor, also reminiscent of gummy vampire fangs. Occasionally you get one that’s a little bit stale-tasting – not hard or anything, but there’s kind of a stale aroma from the air inside the bag. The strong flavor and aroma and the firm texture work in a smaller candy, especially when it’s mixed with an assortment of different-tasting gummies, but a piece this big and thick is just kind of too much. These are big, hefty hunks of gummy, and while I’d eat one if I got it from a candy bowl at work or something, I wouldn’t want to have to eat the whole bag.

So in the end, little Candy Addict campers, the scaaaariest thing about Leftovers gummies is that they aaaaren’t very gooood. Bwahahaha!

Hey, where’d they all go? Guess there’s nothing scarier to Candy Addicts than wasting money on bad candy. Oh well – more marshmallows for me.

Buy Gummy Body Parts Online:

• at Amazon.com
• at Candy Crate

Very few candies scare me just by hearing the name. I can think of a few though… vomit flavored jellybeans, garlic mints, Hotlix (candy with real bugs in it). I think these Chum Bucket Mints are some of the scariest though.

I’ve had the tin of them for a week or two now but keep finding other things to do rather than try them. But, the time has come and as I sit here writing this, I still have not tried them. The tin says “Chum Flavored Candy,” the ingredients include “artificial seafood flavor” and the smell is telling me to throw them away and don’t try them. “DON’T DO IT, BRIAN!” my brain yells at me. I don’t like most real seafood, so I can’t imagine I will like “artificial seafood flavor” in candy form.

Ok, it’s time. I’m now going to try them and get this over with. I’m feeling nauseous already and I haven’t even tried them yet. In it goes….

Ok, the first taste is like that odd taste of Flintstones chewable vitamins (anyone else remember those?). Then it moves into a fishier taste but not as overwhelmingly fishy as the smell was indicating. There’s a slight tang to the taste. I’m grimacing the whole time, just waiting for it to become horrendously bad. I’m scared to chew it.

Ok, I’m maybe half through it by sucking it and I can’t take it anymore. Into the trash it goes.

Ok, that wasn’t nearly as bad I expected. It wasn’t good, but wasn’t as bad as some candy I have tried (sausage jellybean, I’m talking about you). You don’t buy Chum Bucket Mints for the taste. It would make a good gag if you swapped these mints for some other similar mint and gave them to friends (soon to be enemies). I do have to admit though, the tin is pretty cool.

Now, off to brush my teeth for 30 minutes…

• Chum Bucket Mints at Archie McPhee
• More Archie McPhee reviews at Candy Addict
• Candy Addict’s “Gross” category
• Top 10 Grossest Candy

If you knew me in real life, you would know that very little shocks me. I’m one of those people who finds things like comic strips and stand up comedians funny, but rarely laughs out loud. Every once in a while, though, something comes along which makes me not only laugh, but laugh long and loud enough to justify sharing it with my friends. In this case, as the cause of my endless laughing was a candy, I felt compelled to share it with the wider Candy Addicted world.

I am, of course, talking about gummi lighthouses.

The thing that perplexes me, of course, is that I have no idea why anybody would think about making a gummi lighthouse in the first place. The whole gummi animal thing makes sense to me – fish and bears and little tiny people are kinda cute. Gummi fruit is a total no-brainer – because it makes logical sense to make a candy look like the flavor of fruit it is. Random shapes like rings and squares and soda bottles also make sense. Lighthouses? Yeah. Not so much.

One wonders if this is some sort of subliminal message. (You’ll have to click on the link below to see what I mean.)

For the purposes of not harming small children in the making of this article, a photo of the actual product can be found at this link:

• Gummi Lighthouses at joeydevilla.com

(Thanks to Bob at http://pfdebate.com for the tip – no pun intended)