Chocri is a German company that plans to open for business in the US in the new year. Their website allows you to design your own chocolate bars – white, dark, or milk, with your choice of additions, which range from the normal (nuts, fruit) to the more exotic (gold balls, gummy bears, spices).

When they asked if I’d like to order some sample bars to review, I was all “heck yeah,” but as I delved into the site, I began to realize that I am not exactly the ideal customer for this sort of thing. Because A, I have very strong opinions about what flavors go together, and B, I am overwhelmed by too many choices.

So, on the one hand the only things I would be sure I would like were the totally traditional choices like milk chocolate with crispy rice. On the other hand I knew that was totally not in the spirit of the thing. What would be the point of getting a combination that I could get anywhere?

Beyond that, I no longer remember exactly what went on in my mind as I clicked around the options on their site – so many that they claim that more than ten billion combinations are possible. So when the following bars arrived, I thought some crazy person had ordered them:

• White with red rice and mango cubes
• Milk with coconut shavings, candied rose petals and a marzipan rose
• Dark with pecans, sour cherries and orange pepper

Well, on the bright side, they sure aren’t anything you could walk into a store and buy, right?

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Aequare chocolates have an interesting story about the chef who started the company and how they’re single origin Ecuadorian chocolate and ingredients and blah blah. You can read their website for all that. What you came here to read is how they taste, right?

When asked if I wanted a sample of these to review, I checked them out and the answer was an immediate HECK YES. This is definitely my kind of thing. On the other hand, that means I’m a tough customer. Like, to start, I was not all that excited about the Dark Chocolate Cocoa Beans, because I don’t really see any reason to eat cocoa beans. I mean, there must be a reason that humanity invented the elaborate processes that turn them into chocolate, right?

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I haven’t posted a review here for a while, but it’s not because I haven’t been eating candy. It’s because I made the mistake of saying that I would review these Target chocolates, and I have been unable to face up to it. It’s just too depressing.

I have prided myself on always being able to get something to write out of a candy – if it’s terrible, at least finding something funny to say about it. But there’s nothing funny about how bad these are.

It’s just totally depressing that Target thinks they can fool us into thinking that these are ‘artisan truffles’ just because they have fashionable flavor names and are visually a poor imitation of the most high-end sort of chocolate, and that it doesn’t matter that as something to actually eat, they’re totally awful.

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As I’ve said before, I can’t resist an animal-shaped candy. And when I saw these Jelly Rats in Ikea, I figured that even if these weren’t good to eat, they would be a good joke for my reptile-keeper friends. After all, why should the animals be the only ones who get to eat rats?

But after my recent surprising positive experience with the Trader Joe’s Gummy Tummy Penguin, I was more open-minded to the possibility that these might actually be good to eat. So I tried them myself.

There seem to be four flavors, of the yellow, light-green, orange and red varieties. They are fruit flavors, in a vague way. I found the red kind of nasty and the orange dull, when orange is usually my favorite fake-fruit flavor. The other two are innocuous.

The texture is pretty soft, only a little chew to it. And they’re only vague rat-shaped. Basically these are tolerable, but they’re no gummy tummy penguins.

I was also intrigued by Godis Gula Snören because, well, they are called Godis Gula Snören. I guess this is real Swedish, you couldn’t make this stuff up, right? Also, toffee flavor laces seemed exotic, if not necessarily a good idea. But I was willing to give it a try.

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I don’t know about you, but when I think Altoids, I don’t think fruit. They’ve done a good job promoting themselves as a mint company. When I saw these I thought, aren’t they just making trouble for themselves by branching out? You do one thing well – why not stick to it?

On the other hand, as I am sure I have mentioned a million times, I’m a sucker for mango. The idea of Curiously Strong Mango was something I couldn’t resist.

These are little bumpy round things, kind of like little sugar flowers, in a pale orange color. They don’t look like mangoes, and I am not absolutely sure they taste like mangoes. It’s clearly an artificial flavor, at most one that tastes more like mango than it tastes like another fruit. They’re not like the mango Hi-Chew I reviewed recently, for instance, where you taste them and aren’t surprised to read in the ingredients that there’s real mango in there somehow. They are more “Curiously Fruity,” like it says on the tin, than they are in-your-face MANGO.

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