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Retro Candy Flashback: Cow Tales

Categories: Candy,Candy Reviews,Classic and Retro Candy,Oddly-Named Candy

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Goetze's Cow Tales Vanilla
Although I don’t consider myself to be a picky eater, I’ve been told that I tend to dissect my food. This is particularly true when said food was once alive and has the ability to surprise me with an unexpected texture or color. I hate to admit that this attention to food detail has in the past extended to candy. I am referring to my hesitance to try Cow Tales.

My early experiences with this candy involved seeing it displayed alongside bouquets of Slim Jims at convenience stores. This frightened me to my very core as a child. And as a teenager. And to this day. Does the close proximity to mechanically separated chicken parts mean that there could possibly be an actual cow’s tale in this unassuming white wrapper? What exactly is a Cow Tale? And is the spelling just a clever ruse to distract me from the fact that I may be about to consume an actual appendage?

Let’s just say I overreacted a little bit.

Goetze's Cow Tales Vanilla Single

Cow Tales are manufactured by Goetze’s Candy Company, a family-owned operation based in Baltimore. Though I love the idea of supporting American candy companies, I cannot say I am ready to pledge myself to the Cow Tale. The matte, chewy caramel rope of the Cow Tale engulfs a soft, super sweet cream center. I found the caramel to be relatively chalky and kind of waxy. The aftertaste hinted at margarine and, to be honest, sawdust. The cream center tasted as though it had been poached from an Oreo cookie and was almost too sweet for the oddly bland caramel.

I can understand the candy’s retro appeal and, except for its frequent placement near meat products, a cream-filled caramel rope sounds like a great idea in theory. However, the texture completely turned me off. The ingredients list wheat flour as the primary ingredient, and I assume this explains the crumbly nature of the Cow Tale’s caramel.

Additionally, the website touts the candy as a wise choice for those watching calories and fat. I like the concept of watching the proportions of fat, saturated fat and sugar, but if you’re trying to satisfy a craving, don’t start with the Cow Tale. Eat an apple. Or a Snickers.

In conclusion, I advise you not to fear the Cow Tale. Its flavor and texture may not change your life, but I promise it tastes nothing like beef jerky.

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15 Responses to “Retro Candy Flashback: Cow Tales”

  1. 1
    maryA says:

    wow I have never before (until now) heard of someone who dosn’t like cowtails! I would suggest giving them another try because sometimes when they are stale they (well duh) aren’t as good. They also have a chocolate kind which is really good too!

  2. 2
    PetersReviews says:

    Wow, I totally forgot about these. I agree with Mary, I love them! I wish they sold them near me but it looks like I might have to order some.

  3. 3
    ajewel says:

    I like the apple ones the best.

  4. 4
    Brian says:

    Cow Tales rock, as do their caramel creams AKA Bullseyes. Marcella must be affected by the proximity of the Slim Jims.

  5. 5
    Marcella says:

    I promise you all that I REALLY wanted to love Cow Tales. Maybe it would help if the cream filling didn’t remind me of BONE MARROW.

  6. 6
    Jessica says:

    Cow Tales have a special place in my heart. When I was in high school, we sold candy to go on two different trips: Oceanography trip to the beach and Interdisciplinary Honors trip, to… the beach! I sold the most candy! We had to sale airheads (which I hate) and COWTALES. I had never tried them before, and after that first bite, I was hooked. I probably bought the most from my own bag. I love the original flavor. The new flavors are horrible though – strawberry & cream, chocolate, and the new caramel apple.

  7. 7
    oakling says:

    Nuh UH. Marcella is right, this shit is NASTY. I tried one on a trip to Massachusetts last summer and holy god. Chalky, funky, wheaty and gross. I don’t like Bulls-eyes either – whoa!! COW tales? BULLS eyes? What is with the bizarre animal part eating? What’s next, Calf Bladders? What really gets me is how the “cream” separates from the caramel completely, kind of like it’s repelled by or from it, and has that utterly non-cream-like floured thickness to it. I don’t understand why they would do this.

  8. 8
    crimsonessence says:

    I love these! Admittedly though the vanilla ones are nowhere near as good as the caramel apple ones. I always order a few of those from cybercandy whenever i go there.

  9. 9
    Sea Hag says:

    Sorry, but Cow Tales are amongst my most favorite candies. So sweet and chewy, except for the rare times you get one that’s kinda stale. I’ve only had the Caramel Apple ones once and they were sooo good, and when I went back to that store to get more they were all sold out. My heart, she was broken.

  10. 10
    Julie says:

    Ah, the battle rages amongst the commenters…to love Cow Tales or hate them? Well, yeah, I love ‘em, always have, though I’m not a fan of the flavored ones other than chocolate. The apple kind taste too chemical-like and the straweberry, well, let’s just leave strawberry flavors to the fruit professionals, shall we, and sorry, Goetze, but that’s not you guys with this candy! But yeah, I’m a Caramel Cream (now called Bullseyes? Eh.) fan and that includes Cow Tales. ‘Sides, they’re fun to eat in the long, chewy, rope format!

    I will give this up, though: the dry caramel does separate from the cream and I wish it didn’t. But I still love these! :D

  11. 11
    Eric M. says:

    I just had a Cow Tale for the first time last week, but it was one of the new flavors, strawberry. I believe there is another new flavor too, something dealing with cherry. These flavors may not be new to some people, but where I live it is :)

  12. 12
    Chandelle says:

    OMG! Cow tails are sooo good. There is a has station near our house that me and my dad always go to. they sell cow tail for 4 cents. my dad will stop there and right away he’ll say no. sometimes when he’s in a good mood he’ll get me a couple.

  13. 13
    absolutecandylover says:

    OMG how can u not love cow tails and Marcella if you think of anything gross that looks good then of corse your gonna think of it as disgusting but really when you buy them fresh then i think that you would really like them. so go to your local candy store and buy some cow tails and if u dont like them send them to me!

  14. 14
    samantha H. says:

    i LOVE COW TAILS THEY ARE MIN AND MY DADS FAVORITe!!!!!!!if you live inphoniex you can buy them at arrowhead mall in the candy shop!

  15. 15
    Jessica H says:

    I am a dietitian and I agree that an apple is a better choice than a cow tale, although I do not agree with the Snickers comment. When comparing snickers to cow tales, Snickers have close to 300 calories while cow tales have 100. Looking at fat, snickers have 11 grams, cow tales have 1 gram (and 0 grams saturated fat. Also, 28 grams of sugar versus 11 grams in cow tales. You must think about it thoroughly before giving a recommendation on what to eat. Cow Tales are a better choice if looking for a sweet treat.

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