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Arrr, Matey: Beware the Candy Pirates

Categories: Candy,Holiday Candy


Every kid knows that a stellar costume is a ticket to a few extra pieces from appreciative candy givers. In my neighborhood, anyway, the kids who put a bit of effort into their Halloween gear (even if it was putting a sheet over their head, drawing a squiggly ink mark across the front, and explaining, “I’m a paper jam”) were handsomely rewarded with a double drop of treats.

It’s pretty simple, really: a good costume means you care about Halloween, and though it’s tradition to give candy to ANYONE who knocks on October 31, it’s a quieter tradition (at least in my neighborhood) to give a little more to those who put a little effort into it.

But beware, excellent costumed friend; your duds will bring in a mother load of sweets. And that makes you a target for the silent villains who roam each home in the world – Candy Pirates.

There are two types of Candy Pirates: The Moochers and The Sneaks.

The Moochers are, more often than not, older siblings who have given up on trick or treating. The Moochers use a technique known as “The Sigh-Smile,” which often accompanies a sentence such as “I wish I was still young enough to go trick or treating.” Sigh. Smile.

The Moochers will then expect you to feel so badly that you’ll hand over your goodies on the spot. This is a common Moocher technique. They are totally swindling you! To combat this attack, repeat the following:

“I wish I was old enough to drive and have a job. That way I could go to the pharmacy and buy all the candy I wanted, at any time, all year long. But sadly I can not. That is why I must make this pillowcase of treats last until Christmas.”

The Moochers will most likely jump ship, and end up amongst the other Candy Pirates in the house – your parents, The Sneaks.

The Sneaks know everything about you. They know all of your hiding places. They also know that if they tell you to turn over your pillowcase, you better do it. The Sneaks start off with the best intentions – they don’t want to bring you to the ER with a severe case of Kit-Kat-itis or a Reese’s OD.

But soon you begin to realize that your candy supply is dwindling. Your mother informs you that you have no Milky Ways left. Your father insists that you already ate all of your fun-sized Snickers. Your siblings say things like, “I didn’t eat your Twizzlers! I swear!” while strips of red goo line their teeth.

So what can you do? How can you possibly avoid sighs and smiles and sneaks? How can you enjoy your candy without living in fear of ruthless pirates, scheming around every corner?

You can be nice, son!

Halloween is the greatest night of the entire year for one reason – entire neighborhoods open up and become free candy wonderlands. So take your pillowcase, dump it in a big bowl, and let everyone enjoy it. My sister and I dumped our bags every year, to create a super-mega candy bowl that lasted for months.

Sure, your sweets may last longer if you hoard them all to yourself, but even the most obsessive Candy Addict can admit that candy is always more fun when you can share it with the people you care about the most, even if they are scurvy scallywags.

Halloween, pirates

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3 Responses to “Arrr, Matey: Beware the Candy Pirates”

  1. 1
    Beck says:

    My brother and I were awesome at Halloween. We used to go out trick or treating separately with our own friends, but when we came home we would dump all our candy together, divide evenly between us all the things we got more than one of, and anything left we took turns choosing one until the whole pile was gone. Then we both had the same amount of candy and we were both satisfied with what we got. I wish my own kids would share like that!

  2. 2
    Cat Skyfire says:

    I would say there’s a third version. The outright Thiefs. They don’t talk, cajole, beg, argue, or even be sneaky. They just take. If confronted, they use the ‘you had so much anyway’ argument.

    My dad was a Thief. I took to giving up certain items (such that I didn’t like much) immediately, in an attempt to placate the Thief. And my mom took to buying a bag or two just for him.

  3. 3
    KFSonshine says:

    Great post! I laughed out loud at the “What to say to a moocher” suggestion. “…but sadly I can not.” I don’t remember this ever being a problem in our family. My brother and I always went to a festival at our church and came home with huge amounts of candy, but we had pretty much identical bags which negated any competition there. I don’t ever remember my parents asking for our treats and if they snuck them I obviously never realized it. Or has my memory conveniently booted any stored evidence of candy wrongs done against me??

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